To the pills, then, because Dango can't talk about this to anyone else. That's not allowed any more. It's not my fault, it's not my fault, he mutters, as he crushes up five milligrams of oxycodone and hopes for oblivion. What else can he do? Dango's gone too far. The idea that this information might be something he can cope with - without any kind of chemical aid or friend to confide in - scares the shit out of him, because what then has happened to his soul? Look; already he's debating whether to snort the powder or just leave it there on the table. He must snort the powder. If he doesn't then he is no longer human. Isn't that what he's always wanted, though?

It was always important, as someone who was weak, to become someone who was strong - but Dango forgot that the relationship between those who can cope and those who can't is symbiotic and the roles are impossible to reverse. It is necessary, he begins to realise, to keep writing. Because as long as Dango is writing he is using a coping mechanism and can thus delay the terrible moment when he must stand up alone - then go insane or die.

Why did he even look in the first place? The same reason he used to cut himself. To feel, to inoculate. To become Stronger Than, able to Cope With. Dango's spent his whole life dying and now that he's nearly dead he realises it wasn't worth it. What's the point of a hedonistic philosophy if you can't feel? It built on him, the horror, the horror, stacked quickly up Dango's spine and spread through his gut until he was certain he would vomit... but he didn't vomit. It ebbed away at a reasonable pace, while he was running around and crushing up the pill, and now he's not sure what to do, the rush of dread has worn off. He goes back and takes another hit but a tolerance has built up and by now he's fairly certain it will be unnecessary to snort the powdered oxycodone. Great. Fantastic. A lifetime goal has been achieved. Dango is ready, and strong, and able and willing. He can do anything.

Just like he always wanted, Dango's heart has turned to stone.